Pointless (Rewritten Version)

My name is Christian Lambert and I find writing an autobiography quite pointless. If you wanted to find out more about me, you could’ve tweeted me, tagged me in an Instagram photo, even stalked me and asked in person! Yet this has been asked for by most of my fan base (and the media) have asked for this, so here it goes.

I was born in London, England, in a place called Lambeth. My parents thought I was unique, a bit too unique in fact. This quite slim body was originally fat; very fat indeed. Imagine the fattest person in the world decreased in height, age and mental ability. That was me. The chub was burned off quickly over the months, so my parents could finally see the handsome and charming person I was going to be. Despite me becoming thin, I would eat anything; literally anything. From a pork pie to a bit of cotton, it would somehow fly into my mouth, even if I wasn’t hungry. Another thing I made a good relationship with was the TV. I remember watching things like The Wiggles and Fireman uncontrollably everyday from 6am to 6pm. My parents found this quite tedious, as they were the ones that had to get up early and switch on the TV and the DVD player. Another thing that drove my parents nuts was the fact I always had to have the kit. A Lazytown costume was a must, while I got a new duvet every year (I remember the Wiggles one the most). Another thing that I enjoyed was learning the accents of the characters (I know this because Fireman Sam is where I first used my fantastic Liverpool accent). My catchphrase was: “Sort it out Mummy, sort it out!” I used this when a show I didn’t like played on my CBeebies DVD. I may have eaten anything, yet when it came to TV, I was a very fussy baby.

The first word that came out of this never stopping mouth was “DAD!” It was said when I was eight months old and probably because I was hungry. Apparently, I said it so loudly and clearly it made my Dad spring out of bed at once, shouting downstairs to my Mum. Before this, I had my own language, which didn’t help when I was asking my parents for food. At these times I also became much more playful. An example of this was when I ran through the garden in our Portugal villa with my Dad, making my Mum laugh considerably. I went on holiday a lot when I was younger, going to most of the Greek Islands and Europe. That’s where the adventure began…