It was a Friday morning, an inset day in Theo’s case.This was his first chance to have a day out with the popular group. They were intending to go bowling then Nando’s, yet instead wanted to cruise around London using the TfL…
“Today’s gonna be sick innit!” said Joey excitedly. Joey was Theo’s best friend, and they were invited to go on a day out with Chad and his squad, the most popular group in his school’s Year 7. To be part of it automatically makes you popular and was called the essential Secondary School survival tool. Theo and Joey said yes to go as soon as they got the text. “Yeah, I guess.” Theo answered. Theo’s older brother, Tom, said that Chad was the younger brother of Bobby, the biggest troublemaker in Year 11, smoking shisha in the playground, selling ridiculously priced Kool – Aid to lower schoolers and getting in a fight nearly every day. Because of this, Theo stayed cautious, but couldn’t pass up the opportunity to hang out with him.
Even though Theo lived in Mayfair, most of his friends, including Joey, lived in South London, usually either Peckham or Brixton. Chad lived in Stockwell, so they met at that station. They were scheduled to get on the train at 11am, yet, like always, Chad was half an hour late. Chad and his mates were running and instructed Theo to get on the train hastily. He later explained that none of his squad brought Oysters and were on the run from security as they jumped the turnstiles. “We’re gonna go to Victoria apwhere we’ll meet my bro, then we gonna have a surprise at Blackfriars station.” Chad’s squad started smirking, even though Theo and Joey had no idea what they were talking about. Afterwards, at Victoria, they met Bobby. He was basically a 6ft upgrade on Chad, swapping a Nike pouch to a Armani pouch, and everything he wore was worth over £100. Theo went off to text his parents that he was okay, and had safely arrived at Victoria station, yet had absolutely no idea about what he was going to be doing there. While Theo was away, Bobby introduced the master plan without Theo. He had no idea on what was in stock for him.
Chad and Bobby’s dad was a criminal who liked mass destruction. He tried to hijack the train at Blackfriars station, but got caught and was put in prison for 6 years after a long trial last year. They wanted to finish exactly what he had started. There was a confusion on who would do it, and without Theo knowing, the the last person on the District line train to Blackfriars station would have to un clip the connectors going between the two train cars…
Theo got back just in time, yet unluckily for him, was on the train last! They followed Bobby’s orders and reached the last cart of the train before the drivers section. Another District line train was following, so they had to pull this off correctly. They were about to get to Blackfiars station, and they told Theo the deal. They were about to do it and pushed Theo to the front of the train. He stopped, and everyone, including Joey, was shouting “Do it!” behind him. Then he said no. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO?!” shouted Bobby. ” I would rather be bullied than kill all of these people” Theo replied. He dashed past everyone and jumped off the train onto the platform knowing he did the right thing.
The End.
February 19, 2016 at 7:24 pm
A well thought through adaptation. There is still some work to be done though:
1) Your opening is a little muddled. The verb ‘wanted’ is the wrong one to use here. It is a little confusing.
2) Whenever a new character speaks, you should start a new paragraph.
3) You miss lots of opportunities to use semicolons – see if you can figure out where.
4) I think you could use more descriptive language to create an atmosphere. Could you focus on a particular aspect of the setting? Could you describe a character’s feelings?
5) Your story lacks tension. What is going to grip the reader throughout, not just through a cliffhanger at the end?